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Hey baby, today is 1st of August. I'm writing it now, out of curiosity cause I have no idea how it is gonna turn out in the end. Things aren't as easy as they seem. Right now I can't feel you, however it sounds. I am aware of the distance that keeps on growing. I know that looking at you right now might be one of the last moments I can actually have you. So I'm staring at your back, admiring their shape, in silence wanting you. I miss you now, right now as we are close more than I ever did. All those sleepless nights praying to God  so that I can finally see you, be able to touch you and finally feel safe.

I did.

I can tell you in secret that you filled me up totally. Maybe not in a meaning of not caring about anyone else, it shouldn't look like this, but as in I knew back then that you are the perfect one. Looking at you trying to make me laugh, arguing with your mom or smiling about something that your brother just said. I loved it. I loved spending time at your presence and it was more than enough for me. 

I want you to know that what I'm thinking about right now is literally taking my breath away. We are not gonna survive. You know it more than I do. You knew it when I mentioned the distance, I knew it right after you stopped caring about it. Did you always have different plan? Did you always knew that all that we have right now is just for RIGHT NOW? There won't be doggies, or our own apartament, waking up late cause it's so confy in your arms. There was always back up plan. What was online will remain online.

You are not planning to go with me, neither to join me in Europe. You are comfortable in your own world, either I am in it or I'm not. You are planning your life here, but sadly I'm not in it.

Today's your birthday. I don't know if we will still keep in touch or not, but I want you to know that I will always love you. That you were my last, that you made me unable to love anyone else. If I still am, I won't talk to you anymore after you will get this mail. Maybe that's why those words are so hard to say. No one ever taught me how should be my life without you.

I wish you everything that's best in your life. Most of all - be happy, never give up, don't listen to the ones telling you that you can't do something. You can. You are the best. You are making me so proud baby...


Happy birthday, Love


yours,
Cheeky.